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Your finger tips press against my skin
just hard enough for my mind to take this a different direction.
This horrible decision was worth making because of that response.
Timing can be so cruel
if I could have cut that moment out and pasted it years before
I’d be shedding more smiles than tears.
I would have told her to stop
if she made the move, she never made
but not right away, I would have let our lips touch just long enough
for it to be called anything but a decent kiss
and when she would ask why
in a seductive –I don’t want to stop- kind of way
I would have told her…
it’s just another memory to think of
on the lonely highways back home
and we’ve made enough of those
so lets leave well enough alone..
This is about the time
I slam on the breaks
And put this heart in reverse.
But the rhythm is off anyway
So I’ll ignore it and set the cruise
what’s a few more empty miles
Inhaling your exhale
with a little less passion.
Swiftly touching lips
With a little less movement.
Holding your hand
With a little less spark.
Transitioning into an unknown friendship
Not quite the path I would take, but not far from it.
im tired, would be more fitting
im tired of checking your status
seeing it change to taken
i cant recall how many times i’ve seen you in my dreams
keeping every emotion inside of me for the past year has been unbearable
but really, there is no point in letting it out.
it wont change us, it wont put us in the same state
or even the same state of mind
we dont make sense
end of story
if only it were that easy
for my heart-to tell yours
it’s no longer beating for you
it’s no longer caring about you
emotionally insane, was very fitting.
I’m giving it all I have
Just like I promised
Some days are easier than others
It’s not as hard as I thought
I’m sure the pain will catch up to me
I never thought our rules would work this well
So I guess I’m looking for a new girlfriend
Who wants holidays off.
But my heart still beats faster when I hear your name
If I see you now, ill just be going in reverse.
But I don’t mind a few more steps.
Lines from Journal 2003-2006
But…He cried
I mean he really cried this time. He didn’t get out of bed for days. He literally got on his hands and knees and begged for me. He said he would change. He really means it this time; I could see it in his eyes. He even bought me flowers, made me dinner, and told me he loved me. He is really trying. He said he didn’t want to lose me. He said he was just ‘joking’ with the text messages. He didn’t really mean it. Look at all of the poems he wrote for me. He loves me.
________________________________________________
I might be out of place
But woman to woman
Lets be honest..
The poems will only last so long.
Trust me I have a box full of them.
After you get over the shock of tears falling from his face
You will realize they’re only as real as his promises.
Why do I even feel the need to reach out to you?
You have seen first hand him treating someone else the same way.
The secret letters, comments, and texts.
I mean, after all- you were the one receiving them.
But despite all the pain and anger this has caused me.
You should know..
There is life after him.
I hate you
For giving me hope that we could make my mothers fairytale lifestyle come true
I hate you
For betraying me for so many years.
I hate you
For saying ‘I love you’ too late.
I hate you
Because when I lost you, I also lost your/my family.
I loved you.
I hate you
For choosing her so many times.
I hate you
For making memories with me.
I hate you
For never going away.
I hate you
Because I was never enough
I loved you.
I hate
That you weren’t my first true love
I hate
That you weren’t my first sexually
I hate
that they took all of this away from us.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
Take it all away
All of these memories
Dried up tears
Feelings
Songs
All of it.
Im coming back home
But I won’t mend the pieces
There is no room in my heart
We will start over this time
Actually
We won’t even start
We’ve passed the finish line
Can we fall apart now?
I hope we fall…just like we fell..
If only it would happen that quickly
It’s getting easier
My heart didn’t race when I received your text
With every word I read about ‘them’
A little part of me drifts further away
Another piece of my heart goes to her
Soon she’ll have it all.
It’s almost been a year since we met
I can remember it so vividly
It’s as if I’m looking down on us
You walked through the kitchen door
I was standing by the sink
My eyes followed your every move
I envied you.
You were fighting with her that night
But back then she was just a name
There were no feelings of hatred when she was mentioned
You think by now you would have moved on
You’re so intelligent
But when it comes to her
It’s as if your plan fails every time.
Trust me; I know how hard it can be
Trying to fight that feeling…
When her fingertips softly touch your leg
Holding hands while making your way through a crowded room
Sitting at the beach lit only by the moon
I hope this time is different
I hope you realize who she really is
Because you’re worth so much more…